J and I made this decision when we wed that I would be home with kids, until I lost my sanity or when someone came to repossess the house or whatever.

We started this marraige with every kind of debt except consumer debt, having bounced through lifes experiences on our bums and wound up well educated and employable, but not without the future mortgaging students debt and the care payments made to a woman who makes redneck look like a step up. And a business loan.

Financial wisdom was an imperative if we were going to make it out of the hole and make it to our dreams, which was basically living in service, preferably overseas. Some might think this lofty or high fallutin, but it is just what will give my life any purpose.

These days we are getting used to a lot of flux.

Moving will happen when I am offered a job, and I know where that job will be. It may be I stay at the same job, but moving will still happen. He has said that unless they fund his position to the extent that he can make future plans, he won’t come in more than thrice a week, and if he gets funded, that is the most he will come in because of the distance.

Time is making decisions clearer, but immediately I am without child care for going to interviews.

Someone really needs to come up with a nannying agency.

So for now we have the future, the present and the past all here at this minute. And all decisions are unclear.

I take turns ruminating on me as a mom and me as a professional. Me as a mom who winces at a full time job and more than one kid in a care center. But I know that this is what will be next year, without a doubt. She is 2 now, so for some reason, it seems less hard. But that wierd momming instinct comes in and I feel that “my babay!” feeling coming up from inside.

A guy said today that everything changes after kids. He is right. Before kids, child molesters seemed like a bad thing, but now these elicit much stronger feelings. The urge to find community, a safe place for kids and thoughts about what I want to offer to them. Before that, the only concern was really how cheap the rent was and how hip the neighborhood was. Gangs? Who cares. Drugs? Whatever, I don’t need them. Busy streets? Well look both ways for heavens sake. Community centers? Why? Parks? Um, ok. But I will probably never go. All these things are more there now than before.

Now on to prepping for classes tommorrow.
Peace out.

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